So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
