New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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