Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
