Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
4 words: hood of his car
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
