Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
