you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
porn star boner night. come get it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
