to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
