Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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