I am puke
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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