I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
