if only i could text you this smell
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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