eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
