We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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