i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
