You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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