my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
