Sorry, I don't speak sober.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
