I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
