I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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