I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
