I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
