either way he was missing a nipple.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
