Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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