i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
