i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
