I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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