I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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