Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
