Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
