Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
