Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
