I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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