I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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