I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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