i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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