Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
