I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
