im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
