Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
