He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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