Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
