Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
