Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
