if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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