Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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