I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
