I wish I could teleport
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
