He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
