question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
