He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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