The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
