Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
