I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize