so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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