You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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