Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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