Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
