We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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