Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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