I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
