drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
