Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
