Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
