hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
