just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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