It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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