Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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