We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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