a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My bed smells like the plague
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
