FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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