dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
